So How Hard IS it to Find a Literary Agent?

In a moment of pure frustration a couple of years ago, when I was unable to find/successfully obtain a literary agent, I wrote up a few jokes that the every day writer would understand…and maybe even enjoy.

So if you are down on yourself because of a recent rejection, or if you’re stuck trying to reach your word count today during NanoWriMo, take a moment to enjoy these short jokes that only writers will understand!

A writer walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a literary agent. The bartender hands him a cold one and says, “On the house, cuz you’ll never get the other thing.”

A writer finds an old dusty lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops up and says, “I will grant you one wish, anything you want. What’ll it be?” The writer says, “I want to be a published writer, so I need a literary agent. So my wish is to find a literary agent.” The genie holds up his hands and says, “Whoa, kid. I’m a genie, not a miracle worker.”

Two paramedics roar onto a scene and find a man who has been stabbed multiple times, and a guy just sitting there with a notepad and a pen. They say, “We only have enough room for one of you, and this guy looks pretty bad. What’s wrong with you?” The guy with the notepad says, “Nothing! I made the call because I witnessed the whole thing and wanted to stay with him. Take him! I’m just a writer who is looking for a literary agent.” The paramedics grab the writer and shove him into the ambulance because he needs more help.

A doctor walks up to a troubled family. Their daugther is in a coma. He puts a hand on the mother’s shoulder and says, “Don’t worry. Your daughter is going to be just fine. She is going to wake up any minute now. This is just temporary.” The mother, overcome with joy, begins to cry and says, “Oh, thank goodness! We were so worried. We love her so much! Our daughter has such great aspirations and we want her to be able to achieve them. You see, she wants to be a writer and was looking for a literary agent before the accident.” The doctor stands up suddenly, walks over to the coma patient’s bed and pulls the plug. He turns back to the family and says, “Geez, you should have said something earlier.”

A burglar sneaks into a house. His face is covered with a black ski mask, and he is dressed in all black himself. He walks into the homeowner’s study and sees a man working diligently at his desk. He points a gun at the man and yells “Freeze! This is a holdup! Don’t try anything funny, and everything will be okay.” He begins to tie up the man. The man, shaky, whimpers, “Please don’t hurt me. Take anything you want. But if you could, please leave the contents of this desk. I was working on a query letter when you got here. I just finished my novel and am looking for a literary agent.” The burglar stops mid-tying and stands up. He pulls off his mask and says, “Ahh, man. I’m sorry. You have enough problems. I’ll go rob the people next door.” He then vanishes into the night.

When to Introduce “The Event,” and Building Your Platform

Currently Reading: So I’m 240 pages into “Two by Two” by Nicholas Sparks, a tantalizing average of about 120 words per day. If this pace continues, I could read an average book in about 3 days, which would translate to approximately 120 books per year. How awesome would that be?!? Unfortunately, this pace will not continue (see: Life, cross reference: Shit Happens). What can I attribute to the current blistering speed? Two things. 1)Nicholas Sparks is one of my all time favorite authors. Probably top two, running neck and neck with Richard Paul Evans. He creates characters that you remember when you put the book down, and you find yourself daydreaming about the world when you’re supposed to be working. He was the first writer that made me want to write books. He also writes the type of books that I find myself drawn to writing – both he and Evans are often categorized into Women’s Fiction, but oddly I’m OK with reading books from a writer that caters mostly to women readers.

2) I’m in a good rotation at work right now. Let me explain. So even though my job title mentions nothing about customer service, essentially that is what I do: take payments from customers whose utilities are powered by the city itself. My job rotates into 3 stations on a monthly basis: two inside the lobby and one in the drive thru. Station 1 in the Lobby’s main task is to wait on all the customers that walk in the door. Also, they are secondary to answering the phones that ring non stop. Station 2 in the Lobby’s main task is being primary on the phones, as well as processing all incoming mail payments, which on Mondays turns into a giant shit show of busyness that starts around 7:40 and doesn’t let up until after 4. Needless to say, I hate this rotation the most. Station 3 in the Drive Thru’s main task is to wait on the customers who do not want to get out of their cars and prefer quick, wait-free service. Also, the drive thru station is located on the other side of the building, isolated from everyone, so it’s just you, a tiny enclosed room, and the radio. Can you guess which I love the most? So when the customers don’t come to the drive-thru and the phone isn’t ringing off the hook (yes, I’m still required to answer the phone there), I’m able to read, something not afforded in either of the other two stations. So if your work is caught up inside, you sit and stare at the wall waiting for a customer. In the drive thru, the head honchos aren’t around to spy and make sure you don’t look bored. So I read, and read a lot. Hence my progress.

“Two by Two” is one of Sparks’ best books in my opinion, but I’m surprised at how long it took to reach The Event. The Event is what occurs in every book (child goes missing, dead body turns up, etc.), and is usually mentioned in the book jacket when describing said book. Typically, The Event occurs in the first 50 pages and the rest of the book depicts the aftermath. But in “Two by Two,” I didn’t hit The Event until about page 220. It made me question whether or not I misread the book’s description or, at the very least, misinterpreted it. It’s just unheard of to be 50% into a book and wondering when something is going to occur that you’ve been waiting for since Page 1. In any event, as a Wannabe Writer, it’s good for me to see different ways to approach The Event and decide what works best for me and my novel.

The fun thing now about reading an author you’ve already read at least 15 times, you develop a fun game in predicting the outcome of the rest of the book. I’ll let you know if I was right or not.

Currently Writing: On Tuesday, I looked into a small, local publisher as perhaps a venue to launch my novel “Off the Record” that I completed several years ago. Upon investigating their submission form, I realized it was more complicated than I thought. I assumed it’d be a quick query letter and submitting a pdf file. Instead, there are in-depth questions regarding BISAC codes and whether or not you have your own publicist. I’ve decided I need to do a better job of building my platform. So on Tuesday, I found some books I wanted to read because right now, my online presence/platform is non-existent, and that is not good. In addition, I want to really think about my answers to these questions, because I probably have one shot with this publisher. So that’s where I stand right now: working on building my platform, which likely will include some redesigns to this blog. But don’t worry! I’ll still be bloggin’. I’ll also be editing/rewriting “Off the Record” as it stands, as well as editing/writing/rewriting another story I’m looking to publish. In addition, I recently thought of some short non-ficiton pieces I’d like to put to paper and see what they look like, because I think they have a potential viewership in the online market as well. So that’s what will be happening in the near future.

Distractions: None. Can you believe that? Ok, so it’s probably a lie. But I don’t consider “spending time with my family” a distraction. On Monday, we  visited a raggedy Pumpkin Patch because my wife J insisted on finding a pumpkin to carve for our 1-year old son E who will never remember this experience except by the endless pictures J decides to take, which will inevitably include several unflattering shots of Yours Truly that I hope don’t find their way onto any Social Media outlets. But who am I kidding? I actually enjoy carving the pumpkin. I love the smell of the inside once you cut the top off, and I love how slimy the seeds and innards are when you squish them between your fingers.

And because I love this, I was willing to drive out of my way on Monday afternoon in the cold and windy conditions; park my precious Rogue into a shady field; push my son’s stroller over a rickety, dirt path into a patch that looks like it’s where pumpkins go to die; ;carefully step over the broken pumpkins into uncharted territory that probably includes bugs that will eat at my sweet skin, while my wife and son wait patiently in the safe part of the patch; rip the only decent looking pumpkin off the vine with my bare hands like the Hulk because I don’t have tools, all the while pricking my fingers; drag the 10 lber back across said patch and hope that I don’t fall onto my face; kneel down so I can pose in the Patch of Horrors with my son; pose again because J didn’t like the light in picture 1; pose again because E moved slightly in Picture 2 (have I mentioned J is a P.P. -Photographing Perfectionist?); and then pay $12.00 dollars for The Experience of a Lifetime. J insists these will be memories we cherish lately, and really who am I to argue?

…but then again, $12 could have bought me a new paperback….damn.

Until Next Time, Keep Reading!!
-MP